Day 330 – Bring back the yelling!

Just read an article that says a new research study showed that if you use the consequence discipline thing (if you do that I’m going to…) and use loss of a material object as the consequence (if you do that again I’m going to take away your favorite stuffed animal), you are actually encouraging your children to be more materialistic and value “things” too much.  OK, wouldn’t want that would we.  So, for repeatedly not listening to me, you can keep your precious Lego star destroyer, I’m just going to start yelling again! Seriously, a parent can’t win.

Day 329 – Brain needs rest.

I went to bed last night feeling really tired and thinking how nice it would be to rest my body and my mind (how very holistic of me).  But my brain had other things in mind.  I dreamt that I was roommates back in college with the #1 person in our class (who I love very much, but would have been intimidated as hell to have as a roomy).  I kept getting her into trouble because I did strange things like die my hair red (like Ronald McDonald red – which I have never intentionally done).  Stranger still my high school boyfriend was in the dream and acting rather cold to me.  When I approached him with my crazy hair and asked him what was up he said that he was not sure if we should go out because Deanna (not her real name) told him I was not a nice person.  Deanna is a women who worked with me in my last office, clearly thought I was an idiot and although never (that I know of) purposely sabotaged me, she certainly never did anything to assist either.  So, what does it mean that I have a dream with someone (some good and some bad) from every decade of my life?  And what is up with the hair?  Of course first thing in the morning I had to look up my high school boyfriend on Facebook, call my old office to see how everything was going, and e-mail my dream roomy to see how she was doing.  If this is what REM sleep does for me..no thanks.

Day 328 – Vacuum noise.

I just got yelled at by Lukie because heaven forbid my vacuuming was making so much noise he could not hear the computer game he was playing.  Guess what Lukie – I’m not the one who put shredded cheese all over the floor two days ago that has now hardened into something close to concrete and can barely be picked up with the vacuum.  I’m not the one who chooses to eat graham crackers over the hard wood floor rather than over his plate.  I’m not the one who decided that the sand from the playground should be emptied out of my shoes on the kitchen floor rather than outside and I am certainly not the one that sheds 10 pounds of cat hair daily or the one that has cat allergies for that matter.  Oh and the only reason you are on the computer is to keep you out of my way so I can vacuum.  So either stop yelling at me to stop vacuuming, vacuum yourself, stop being the slob that you are genetically inclined to be (Doug not me), or go outside and play where my troublesome vacuum will not bother you crazy boy!

Day 327 – Civic Responsibility

I didn’t learn the first time, so decided to help out with the neighborhood association.  This time I just volunteered to pass out newsletters to 96 houses.  In my head this was going to be a fun family project that we could do together on a Sunday that was otherwise free of planned activities.  I could just picture us walking around together enjoying the warmer temperatures and our wonderful neighborhood.  Getting some exercise and talking to the boys about how it is important to do things for the community.  At least that is what it looked like in my Pollyanna world.  What I actually got was two boys screaming they did not want to do it.  Two boys who would not even take my bribe of $5 each to help.  One husband who kept asking, “Why do we have to do this again and when does it really have to be done by?”  So, I did it myself.  It was quiet, peaceful, good exercise and I got alone time outside.  I think I won this one without even knowing it.  

Day 326 – Contrasts.

Went running with a friend yesterday morning.  It was quiet and peaceful and a great way to start the day.  Within 2 minutes of entering my house all of that changed.  Lukas was screaming because he needed help in the bathroom, Samson was screaming because he did not want to get ready for baseball, Doug had not had his morning cup of coffee (you never want to be in the same house with him before his first cup of coffee).  It was loud, crazy, confusing and almost instantly the zen of my run was an ancient memory.  Then I thought of what my friend (who has no kids) might be experiencing post run.  I envisioned her quietly entering the house to be greeted excitedly by her loyal dog.  She probably got to have a cold drink of water before going upstairs to have a shower where nobody was calling her name, walking in on her or requiring her immediate attention.  She may have even gotten to shave her legs?  She probably got to read the morning paper as she sipped a warm cup of tea or sat in the back yard enjoying some sunshine and the birds singing.  I love my life, but sometimes the grass sure looks greener on the other side (or at least in at the house down the street)!

Day 325 – Hot moms.

I think I have taken pretty good care of myself physically over the years and I have quite a bit of self-confidence, but one thing I could use a little less of is my husband saying how good looking other women are.  I get it, sometimes there is just that woman that is so striking that he has to say something, but not every woman fits this category and if they do this would insinuate that he is just turning into a horny old man.  Notice them, admire them from a far, but you don’t have to say something to me about them.  And I should not have to tell him that it is not only inappropriate, but a little creepy when after attending a preschool function he labels the school “gifted” based on how hot the moms are.  I’m not one of his drinking buddies.  Maybe I need to start telling him how the 21 year old swim coach is chiseled like a Greek god, the Portuguese soccer coach would make any woman into a soccer fan, or the new stay at home dad down the street has a great back side!

Day 324 – Old Boys Club

So I thought my old job in the military was an old boys’ club, but today I discovered they also exist in little league.  Today they needed a parent to coach third base and when I volunteered, everyone looked at me like I was insane.  Perhaps this is just because none of them actually wanted to do it, but I have my doubts.  Then one of the kids on third questioned me when I told him he didn’t have to run and to wait and see where the ball was hit.  Are you kidding me?  I have played the game for more years than you have been alive kiddo.  This is not rocket science folks; it is baseball (and little league at that).  I was not great at softball, but I played growing up and I played in college.  Yes, it was softball, but mechanics and basics of the game are the same! Oh and I am basically the one that taught my son to throw.  I took my husband to his first professional baseball game.  I took the boys to their first minor league games and even made the arrangements for both boys to go to their first professional games (they wanted to go with daddy?).  I signed both boys up for baseball/t-ball, bought the gloves and all the gear (except cups – I claim no knowledge of equipment that protects that body part).  Yet despite all of this, I have found another place where nobody seems sure I fit in.  This must be how dads of all girls feel at ballet recitals.  Oh wait, most of those dads never did ballet, don’t watch it on TV, and don’t care about it at all so that is also how I would feel at a ballet recital, but not how I feel on the baseball field!

Day 323 – Retro momma.

Samson came home today and immediately got on the ipad.  He told me not to worry because he was not playing games, but looking for something on Amazon.  First of all, the fact that my 7 year old knows what Amazon is and that he can access it easily is more worrisome to me than any of the video games he has access to.  This fear/worry is supported by the $60 Star Wars Lego ship he “accidentally” ordered two weeks ago, but thought he had deleted the purchase by closing the ipad.  So to protect our bank account, I went to see what he was looking at.  It was a rubix cube.  He asked if I had ever heard of one.  I laughed out loud, loaded him and Lukas in the car, and proceeded to the toy store where I immediately purchased one for each boy.  I used the excuse that it must be good for their dexterity and without a doubt would sharpen their problem solving skills.  But if I am honest, I wanted to show them how cool I am because I can solve one whole side!  And let me tell you, at least for this afternoon..I am pretty cool!

Day 322 – Back to nature?

Was motivated by the garden show I went to this weekend and decided to check out the local garden store with the hopes of getting together a nice window box of flowers.  My reaction to this garden store has to be what a person from central Africa must feel like if they were dropped into the middle of a Super Walmart and expected to figure out what they needed/wanted.  I was clearly overwhelmed with the selection, but a nice employee helped me out.  Then when I checked out I was clearly overwhelmed by the price as I asked the cashier if for that price they were actually going to come to my house and plant it or if that price included a money back guarantee if I kill all of it.  She just smiled and gave me the “silly amateur gardener” look.  I took all my wonderful plants home and planted them in their new homes only to find out that it is supposed to drop down to the low 40s tonight and well into the 30s the next night.  So now my kitchen is a green house waiting for the real spring to come.  Maybe I will just stick to keeping my yard alive!

Day 321 – When exercise is not a stress reducer.

We all know one of the major values of exercise is that it is supposed to decrease our stress levels.  So I should be excited about Samson wanting to ride his bike to school 4 days a week rather than the two we did in the Fall right?  When we ride it is a beautiful scene.  Me on my bike with Lukie on the attachment so that hypothetically he can help petal.  Samson beside us on his little bike.  A sunny day as this beautifully happy family heads to school together.  Saving the environment and touting the importance of physical activity and family together time.  What a bunch of BS.  It might look good, but what is actually happening is Samson thinks he is such a rock star on the bike that he is not paying attention and attempting to do “tricks” to impress Lukie.  Lukie is not pedaling and instead telling me to go faster, barely hanging on, and/or attempting same tricks his brother is showing him.  I am freaking out because hello we are actually riding in the street with real cars and trucks and buses.  I feel like at any moment my hot dogging 7 year old could get hit by a car and my not really riding a bike just being chauffeured everywhere 5 year old could fall off the bike and get hit by a car or require enough band aides so that he would refuse to get on the bike ever again.  Stress relief, I think not!

Day 320 – Pottery Barn Kids?

Just got the Pottery Barn Kids catalog in the mail.  Does anyone’s family actually ever look like that?  Does anyone’s house actually ever look like that?  Clearly the marketing people who sent me this based it purely on our zip code and have never seen me or my children in action!  Sad part is, I think everything in the catalog is beautiful.  The good part is I now know it is also unattainable.  The saying goes something like:  Good moms have sticky floors, messy kitchens, piles of laundry and happy kids.  I like the saying in theory, but I also think sometimes:  Good moms have good house keepers and kids that might be unhappy, but will better behaved contributing members to society someday (oh and mostly happy)!

Day 319 – Home and garden shows.

Just spent the day at a home and garden show.  Some really beautiful houses and some really nice gardens, but I was annoyed that the home owner seems to get all the credit.  In many cases the home owners were their showing off their stuff, but could not answer the simplest questions about what was actually planted in the garden.  In reality all they really did to get a home and garden to look the way they do is throw money at someone else.  The people I want to meet are the gardener, landscaper, home decorator and probably even the house cleaners!  Those are the people who should get the credit.  If I see something I like and would like to try at my house, these are also the people who will be able to tell me how to do it (hire them?).  At the last garden we went to they had a tent displaying bee keeping and discussing about the importance of bees.  One lady asked about 2 million questions.  Finally the person at the display politely said, “Well if you really want to know more, you can sign up for this bee keeping course.”  When she responded, “Oh I will have to have my grounds people take that course,” I understood I was perhaps out of my league.  Perhaps the “how to kill crabgrass without destroying your yard” at Home Depot is more my speed?

Day 318 – Family calendar?

I have a family calendar so that other people in the house attempting to make plans can look at it and see what we already have going on.  Since the boys are not old enough to plan anything except what they might play in the next two minutes, this calendar is largely for the husband and I to de-conflict schedules.  So why is it a shocker to the other adult in my house that this family calendar concept does not actually work if only one person (me) ever looks at it and if the person who does not look at it (Doug) plans things and then does not add them to the calendar?  

So basically what I’m saying is that yes, my book club which has been on the family calendar for a month trumps your dinner out with a buddy that never made the calendar and you announced to us two days before it was actually supposed to take place.  Watch out, planning/scheduling is one of my work place skills that easily transferred to this full time mommy gig!  So rather than the family calendar being a tool for the entire family to keep peace and harmony, it has ultimately become a way to prove my superior planning skills and argue to get my way.  Hooray for me.  

Day 317 – Taxes

When the taxes are due on April 15^th and you have only worked ½ the year, but get a retirement check with not much tax taken out and because of retirement have changed your residency for the first time since you were 17 to a state with state income tax and  your spouse had to change his too and you have investments, but don’t really understand what capital gains’ tax is and you don’t know where any of the receipts are for charitable giving, but you know you give…..you might want to start on your taxes before April 13^th.    

Day 316 – I am a computer goddess. (in my mind)

Not really a computer goddess, but pretty proud of myself today.  Our internet has not been running slow (like so slow Lukas actually gave up on watching a movie and drew a picture during his electronics time).  No, I didn’t fix it.  I managed to sound sure enough of myself to convince the Verizon guy on the phone that I had tried all the suggested fix it things online.  (Oh and by the way Verizon, if I could get online to read your suggestions on how to fix my slow internet,  that would indicate that my internet is working pretty darn fast and I don’t need your help.)  Anyway, they are sending us new router and other stuff that I did not really understand.  So, I was so successful fixing the computer/internet problem that next I may move on to learning which remote controls which TV and what actually is a DVR (since apparently according to the Verizon guy we have one). 

Day 315 – Bedtime.

If bedtime is 8:30 and you need to give the kids a bath, brush teeth, change into PJs and read stories, you need to head up to their bedrooms before 8:25!  This is not complicated math, but somehow the “goal” bedtime eludes us 90% of the time.  How old to they have to be before I can just leave them downstairs and to bed myself?

Day 314 – Cherry blossoms revisited.

It rained today, so I had no plans to see the stupid trees, but wanted to take Lukas ice skating as it was $1 skate day at the local indoor rink.  Have been meaning to do this for several months, but Tuesday afternoon roles around and when I mention it to Lukas he throws a fit (much like Cherry Blossom fit yesterday).  By that time in the afternoon I have usually just given up, but today I was determined.  So to avoid freak out I told him I had a surprise for him.  He got ready to go, but got mad when I asked him to get in the car.  “I just want to stay home.”  So, I told him we were going to try to see the Cherry Blossoms again.  He freaked out big time.  I let him yell about that for a minute or two and then asked if he would rather go ice skating.  Do I feel a little guilty for my deception?  Nope.  Am I happy we got to go skate?  Absolutley!  Would I stoop to this tactic again?  Probably will tomorrow.  

Day 313- Irony.

Battled Lukas this morning because I was attempting to plan some fun “bonding” time with him.  Every year I go and run around the Tidal Basin during the Cherry Blossom festival. This year I thought it would be nice to share it with Lukie.  So I told him before school that I would pick him up after lunch and we would go do the paddle boats.  He asked if Samson could come with and when I explained that Samson would still be in school all hell broke loose.  You would have thought I had asked him to move to another country and never speak to Samson again.  Screaming and lamenting about not wanting to go continued until I got him to school and it was the first thing he asked me about when I picked him up, so unwilling to yield to the tantrum of my 5 year old loaded him in the car and headed to the city.  (usually a 15 minute drive).  After about 4 minutes he calmed down and finally said, “yes, the paddle boats would be fun mommy.”  Unfortunately, 45 minutes later we still had not reached the area with the darn trees, had no hopes of finding a parking spot, were going to be late getting back in time to pick up Samson from bus stop and had to leave DC only seeing one lousy tree and taking no pictures.  I give up (at least until tomorrow).  

Day 312- OCD

At a neighborhood gathering tonight I mentioned feeling the need to get the huge rotting mulch pile in my front driveway distributed to the proper places in the yard.  The neighbor I was talking to said something about me being a little OCD.  So of course I have been obsessing about it all day and want to know what that actually means.  Oh, I guess the fact that I have been constantly thinking about his comment (as well as still thinking about the mulch pile) might in fact support what he was attempting to say. I like to call it high energy.  Doug calls in my annoying inability to sit still.  I say, if that is what it means, better a little OCD than ALAD (always lays around disorder).  Yes, I made that up so don’t go look on Google for an actual disorder, but I’m pretty sure if it was one, I know some people who are showing some serious symptoms.  

Day 311 – Fruit basket.

For one day of teacher appreciation week each child is supposed to bring in a piece of fruit to make a fruit basket for the teacher.  This is a nice idea, but I think if I was a teacher I would want more like a caffeine, candy bar or baked goods basket.  Anyway, I tried to make this one of those meaningful moments for Lukie by having him pick out the fruit he wants to give to his teacher’s basket.  He of course without hesitation says “a watermelon”.  When I try to talk him out of a watermelon because it clearly will not fit in a fruit basket (unless the parent supplying the basket is just as crazy as my child), he picks a mango.  Store of course has no mangos (and how the hell does he even know what a mango is?).  Then he picks this fruit I can’t even identify.  No, not going to be the parent that puts in a piece of fruit I can’t even name much less know if it is edible.  Two seconds later he decided a pineapple, but during the rest of our shopping he somehow pulled all the green stuff off the top and might have dropped it a few times.  It can’t be put in the basket.  When we got home he decided broccoli was a good idea.  Little dude, I’m pretty sure that is still a veggie.  Whatever happened to an apple for your teacher?  We have spent way too long on this kiddo, broccoli it is! (and I’m going to throw in a Twix bar, can of soda or brownie for good measure)!  

Day 310 – A new type of stress eating.

I have been known from time to time to stress eat.  So when things get a little hectic or busy or I’m unhappy or worried about something I basically end up in taking an insane amount of calories.  (trust me you would not even believe it).  Historically I have had a high enough metabolism for this behavior not to have negative side effects apart from the guilt I feel the next morning or a minor sugar hangover if the focus of my stress eating was ice cream or baked goods.  Well I’m getting older and retirement has not been as kind to my waistline as I would have hoped, so I am attempting to eat healthier.  Yesterday was a day primed for a major stress eating event and since Easter was just last weekend and there is ice cream in the freezer we have the making of a major eating event!  Fortunately  I had just roasted some asparagus and left it sitting on the counter to cool.  During a moment where nobody was yelling at me and I was yelling at no one I took a piece and ate it.  When I next came out of my daydreaming fog the entire pound of asparagus was gone.  I guess if I can’t control the behavior at least I can modify the focus! 

Day 309 – New tactic.

Just sent Lukas to his room because I was fixing to drop some bad words on him for his equally bad behavior and I needed some time to cool down.  Now he is in his room crying “It feels like Mommy doesn’t love me.”  So, is this a brilliant tactic on the part of a 5 year old to elicit guilt from me, is he just repeating something he has heard his brother say when he is upset, do I ignore him for a while or do I go try to address it?  Got news for you Lukie..I am good at anger and not very good at guilt.  So how long can I physically lock him in his room and not get in trouble?  Oh crying has stopped.  This means he has either come to my way of thinking and will put his shoes on (all I was asking him to do) or he doing something destructive to his room or the cat or both (more likely scenario)!

Day 308 – I can’t win.

Needed to be at the bus stop in about 5 minutes and Lukas (although he had been asked several times) had still not put on his pants.  Bad enough I’m dealing with Lukas and a bus stop deadline, but then attempting to be helpful husband headed out the door for work adds, “You need to give them consequences for not listening to you.”  Thanks, did you just read the chapter in the child development book on consequences or something (that we were supposed to read 6 months ago)?  I get the whole consequence thing, but that is also limited.  There is only so much you can do to/take away from a 5 year old before he finally just plays the “I really don’t give a poop card”.  Because honestly he does not care about anything enough or pay attention to anything long enough for taking it away to actually be a punishment!    Oh, I take that back, he does care about some things enough.  I could give consequences like 1) I’ll take away your birthday, 2) I’ll take away your cat, 3) I’ll take away your brother, 4) I’ll take away cheese sandwiches forever, or 5) I’ll cancel Christmas, but oh no, for consequences to work you also have to actually do them and these are not things I can do.  I seriously can’t win and I can’t believe I am getting beat by a 5 year old! 

Day 307 – My favorite people of the day (probably the year) are….

The house cleaners.  Yes, after much soul searching, guilt laden nights, and too many hours attempting to get shower grout clean, the wonderful ladies who clean my house have been re-hired. They used to spend about 2-3 hours cleaning the house.  Today it took them 5.  I feel a little guilty about this, but did give them some extra money in anticipation that it would be more difficult to get back to a cleaning baseline.  What this officially means is that I have failed on one point of the “domestic goddess trinity” (cleaning, cooking and child rearing).  I can’t keep a house clean.  I can live with that.  

Day 306- Solar flares.

What the hell is a solar flare and why did my 5 year old just spend 20 minutes crying because he is afraid of one killing him?  For no apparent reason, he broke out in wailing tears saying he was scared of a solar flare.  After a little research (thank you Google and Wikipedia) I was able to comfort him with the fact that due to the Earth’s magnetic field or atmosphere or something like that, humans are safe from solar flares.  He next cried about humans that might make it to Mars.  Further research showed that they would be toast from a solar flare, but would likely have space suits on and why I am I attempting to explain something like this to a 5 year old when we don’t have people on Mars and likely will not in my lifetime?  Go the heck to sleep Lukie and next time pick something “normal” to be afraid of like monsters or bad guys or lightening.  

Day 305 – No opposable thumbs.

To make the kids laugh I sometimes talk in the voice of the cat and make stuff up that I think someone/something in her position might say.  About a week ago I joked in my cat voice, “I really would like to go outside.  Can one of you boys open the screen door for me?  I would do it myself, but I don’t have opposable thumbs.”  Yes, I go for the cheap laughs since I am usually the “not fun” parent of the two.  Once I explained to the boys what opposable thumbs were, they thought this was hilarious and followed the cat around throughout the day saying how sorry they felt for her because of her thumbs.  

The day we got back from Spring Break the darn cat opened the screen door herself.  I have no idea how or when she mastered this skill, but I know my opposable thumbs thing isn’t funny to them anymore.  Instead, when Lukie got scared tonight asking what would happen if a fox got in our house, Samson just said “that is not possible because a fox does not have opposable thumbs”.   This regressed into a further discussion about how Mommy was wrong because the darn cat can open the door.  So now not only am I not funny and don’t know anything about biology and physics, but we are all going to get eaten in the night by the neighborhood fox who will open the door with his non-opposable thumbs.  I give up.

Day 299 – 304 – Spring Break!

OK so a hiking trip with a Nana and a Pawpaw both over 65, two kids under 8 and one “injured” husband actually turns out to be a pretty good combo.  Husband was either 1) not as injured as he thought (also known as – a whiner unable to take pain and thank goodness is not responsible for bearing children) or 2) actually in excruciating pain and just endured it because he is too stubborn to let us hike without him. Kids were bribed with marshmallows and the promise of a toy from the National Parks gift shop at the end of the week (almost too easy). Nana could have hiked it all with her eyes closed, but was worried about Pawpaw.   Pawpaw did not like the uphills, but was wise enough to say when he wanted to stay back and or just hiked with the 5 year old who talks non-stop resulting in Pawpaw being able to just breath and not expend any energy on witty banter.  Did I mention that this time we had a cabin with beds, internet and a hot tub rather than a towable camper without power or sewer hookup? Civilized hiking.