Day 126 – Gift for Doug?

Still in a minor state of depression from yesterdays crazy woman (yes my) meltdowns.  A friend just posted an article on facebook about how it is a gift to the working spouse that someone stays home.  Doug forwards it to me and says he feels this way about me being home (I think he is still freaked out from my break down yesterday) and I know he is being nice and attempting to make me feel better, but it doesn’t.  The article talks about feeling guilt for being home and the need to justify one’s decision to stay home to others.  I’m not really worried about what anyone else thinks I am doing all day(sitting around and eating bonbons of course).  I’m frustrated because I thought I would now be able to do all the things I used to pay someone else to do for me (childcare, yard work, house cleaning) and the things I used to have to do at 11PM (prepare meals, grocery shop) and still have time to do the things I always wanted to do but did not have time (organize pictures, try new recipes, get really fit, plant a flower garden, read the morning paper).  

The truth is, I’m not getting a lot of the basics done much less the nice to do stuff I thought I would have time for.  I feel like I barely get anything done.  Doug says “Your keeping the boys alive.”  Guess my goals for this time at home were a little grander than that, but don’t really know now what they were.  Maybe I should work on some goal setting?  Who am I kidding, I would rather clean the bathrooms!  Oh, but I do know my goals do not include spending 10 hours a week on Civic Association volunteer work… so I quit today!  Yippie for me!  Maybe that is the way it will work.  I’ll just try a bunch of stuff and quit a bunch of stuff until I find that stuff that is really worth doing.  So far the really worth doing list includes riding bikes to school with Samson, walking to school with Lukie, volunteering in Samson’s class, coaching soccer, baking with Lukie, early morning runs and lunches out with girlfriends (OK I kind of like mowing the grass too)!  This sounds so depressing…I really am OK.