Day 142 – Are you mad at me?

Lukie yelled at me today because apparently he wanted to sit in Samson’s car seat and not his which I was currently strapping him into.  I admittedly blew up at him because we were running late and I don’t like to be screamed at by a 4 year old.  He apparently did not like to be screamed at by a 42 year old because as I walked around the car to strap him into the other seat, he locked me out of the car.  I responded like any crazy parent would and yelled a little more (this time with my teeth clenched for emphasis).  Finally everyone is strapped in and we are pulling down the driveway.  Lukas asks, “Mommy are you mad?”  In my head response, “Yes, Einstein I’m pretty pissed off right now.  What was your first clue? Was it the veins popping out of my head or the screaming  that probably has the neighbors calling childhood protective services?”  Anyway, by the time we got him to school we had covered the basics with 1) mommy is not mad anymore 2) Mommy still loves you even when she is mad and because he has been hitting people when he is mad we added 3) did you notice mommy was mad but did not hit of bite anyone? (my attempt to fit a life lesson into this and actually make use of my stupid parenting books).   But no we were not done with the mad thing.  After school when I picked Lukie up he managed to work into the conversation about how school went that today when I was mad it made him feel sick to his stomach.  I don’t know whether to feel guilty for making him feel bad or overjoyed because maybe that means he doesn’t want to contribute to my mad in the future.